this is an exorcism of a lot of terrible thoughts and feelings. i am living in a period of intense panic, and i am merely making this blogpost to attempt to document it.
so i'm a trans woman if it wasn't already obvious from my incessant odd aesthetics, anxiousness, and little trans-isms that are around everywhere in my art. i like feminine things, princess dresses, soft blankies and plushies. anyways, what i'm trying to get at is the government in 2025 is doing a lot to oppress trans people. the heritage foundation just made a document public stating that saying "misgender", "cis", and that trans people have the "right to exist" is evidence that someone is a domestic terrorist, and that's ridiculous and terrifying. i hate politics but the current government is doing a lot to victimize people like me and try to make me scared from it. they are saying trans people caused the death of charlie kirk when the assassinator was a groyper and the "trans roommate" they keep criticizing and saying is the cause of this is one of the people who reported the killer to the police and by all intents and purposes seems to be closeted. but the information is murky. just know, this death has nothing to do with trans people and they're saying it is. they are making up false statistics now saying trans people caused most shootings but there has only been 4 trans shooters in the past 10 years when there has been tons more of cis white men. the right wing are the ones who are more violent and they are suppressing and silencing any information that says otherwise. texas made a bathroom bill and in the last legislative session created 200+ anti trans bills including ones that would make existing as a trans person illegal and would give people bounties for turning you into the police. its very upsetting. and my life is falling apart. i live in texas, DFW specifically, and soon i'll have to probably move out of the state whenever things get bad enough or whenever my roommate is ready to. its making me immensely scared and suicidal. i was bullied all my childhood for being trans. i was bullied for all my adulthood for being trans as well. i was hoping that things would get better in the world. no, they didn't. to my utter dismay, it all got worse since trump got elected, which is no surprise, but i didn't think it would get this bad this quickly. people are saying that trans people are inherently violent, that trans women are predators, and its ridiculous, especially when the right wing is the ones trying to get the age of consent lowered and trying to cover up the thing with epstein and platforming people who are child predators or pedophile apologists. its especially terrible because i was raped by a family member continually over the course of 7 years growing up and these are the kind of people that always defended them and would never believe me. its ironic and terrible. i'm starting to be scared i may live a life where i am never able to feel happy.
i'm also disabled from CPTSD. i already deal with frequent nightmares and night terrors and terrible things every day coming from my brain, and all of this is retraumatizing me and making me relapse into intense paranoia psychosis and terror. i've been in therapy my whole life and was put into a hospital for suicide attempts and psychosis 3 times. so i really am disabled. i have a diagnosis from a pscyhologist for chronic CPTSD and major depression. this shit sucks for me. i just want love. really, at my core i'm someone who is sweet natured, loves romance and nature, loves to cuddle, and wants peace. but the world is becoming harder around me every day and i'm starting to lose hope in my dreams. so that is why i made this website and i'm working on a yuri fictional novel about a trans woman being saved from a family that hates her. because i want peace and quiet and safety. that's all i want. this blatant erasure is terrifying and should not be ignored.
its hard for me to even try anymore or to get out of bed at all or to do anything at all. i'm starting to lose hope in everything. what happened. this isn't the world i remember. this isn't the life i remember. i thought things would get better. i'm in the darkest place i believe i may have ever been in and i am losing hope completely in everything. i just want all this senseless chaos to stop, but it never does, and i am still rejected from the world senselessly and without apology when i have tried harder than some people ever will in their whole lives to survive because i have a FUCKING DISABILITY but im starting to believe no one cares and theyd all like if i went off and died. i have a real diagngosis of CPTSD and major depression from a psychologist FYI and this is not something i just found out today or some shit. i have NO FAMILY beacuse all of them abandoned me except for my mother and they all like to pretend like my family member abuser DIDNT FUKCING RAPE ME FOR 7 YEARS and i've had it for my whole life and i've been therapy for my whole life.
i don't know what the right thing is anymore. i have lost hope in this life. ...all i do now is live in a fantasy world in my head and wish the real world could be as nice and peaceful. unfortunately, i forgot what i learned when i was younger. forgot what i learned when the police and CPS didn't believe the crying words of me when i was a child and being sexually assaulted by my family member. i forgot that the police sided with the predator and took a plea deal and dropped all charges. i forgot what i learned whne i went to the mental hospital at 16 for trying to kill myself and everyone kept deadnaming me even though i had told them who i wanted to be. i forgot all the words of the people who bullied me when i was growing up. i may change and grow in some ways but it always comes back to me that i will know nothing but the dirt on the ground and that all i know is suffering and pain. i don't know what to do anymore. i just wanted to be happy.
life often doesn't have solutions for these things, i know. i will continue to try the best i can to find peace in any ways possible. but this just hurts for me. this discrimination and continual pressure from the outside world as a trans woman is what makes me be my sensitive, sincere, affectionate self. i want peace and love. i hope that in my life time i can experience safety and love. ...i'm scared that might not ever happen now. but i'll hope for it, and i'll continue being myself, which is a princess tgirl who was never given a chance. if the right wing mob makes claims i am a predator, know this. i am not a predator. i am a victim of CSA that was never taken seriously by authorities who simply wants to be happy and to live as my true self. i do not harm a fly. i am a peaceful being who likes love and not much else. that's the truth they don't want you to know.